An Anxious Attachment with God

In the last three episodes of the podcast I have discussed relationship attachment styles and healthier relationship skills. I think it is important to draw our attention to the example Jesus shared with those living in his time. Jesus made time for the disciples, time for the lost, and time for the father. He communicated his perspective confidently and did not displayed anxiety about the relationships he formed while walking the earth. Jesus embodied love and valuing all of humanity. He leaves us with a view of emotionally healthy discipleship.

A healthy spirit and soul require a healthy mind. Mental health is a critical part of all human beings.

In the US, Anxiety has become the most common mental health diagnosis, following the pandemic. Exploring the influences and impact of having clinical anxiety from a therapeutic lens and from a faith lens led me to think about how we are in relationship with Christ. I specifically thought of an anxious attachment that presents in children and causes them to express distress when their caregiver leaves. The distress leads to having difficulty self soothing when their caregiver returns. They behave with uncertainty about relying upon the caregiver, and show some resentment to being abandoned. Each attachment style is an expression of a lack of security within a relationship and so how could we express insecure attachment in every other relationship yet have a secure attachment in our relationship with Christ?

I don’t believe we can.

Each attachment style is acting out an unanswered question/concern:

1. Anxious- “Are you really there for me?”
2. Avoidant – “I can’t find you because I can’t find me”
3. Disorganized – “I hate you, don’t leave me”

An anxious attachment with Christ may look like constantly questioning if God still loves you. Is God angry with me? Have I disappointed God and now I must figure everything out for myself? I can see an anxious attachment to Jesus leading to a perfectionist mindset when attempting to connect with the father. Experiencing frustration with not praying well, decreasing communication after falling into sin or filtering conversations with God for fear of complaining too much. This expresses an underlying issue, that we fear not being good enough to receive Gods love. This is a twisted view, in reality, none of us are worthy yet he still chose us!

A question to consider is, why does the enemy use anxiety to distract us from the love of God?

An avoidant attachment may look like a constant search for meaning, purpose, and the voice of God. While these longings are important, the avoidant person decreases pursuit and focuses on something that provides a more immediate solution. This is when self soothing strategies, unhealthy coping, and addictions find space to fester. The Avoidant attachment struggles with looking within and accepting all parts of self. A failure to see ourselves clearly cripples our ability to see others clearly: this includes seeing God clearly.

A Disorganized attachment battles with accepting the love of Christ. There is a critical or judgmental lens that leads to self deprecating thoughts and behavior. This lens does not erase the presence and necessity of God but muddy’s the view with unresolved pain, anger, rejection. A disorganized view will lead us to reject the love of Christ and ask questions like, “If there is a God, why would he allow_____” “Where was God while I was being abused” or “How could God love me after I’ve done so many things wrong,” and even “I prayed that God would save my loved one, but they died.” “God does not hear me” This mindset keeps us angry, resistant to an alternative perspective and resistant to truth.

With out a secure attachment, our relationship with Jesus is skewed. A Secure attachment says:

“I’m right here and you’re right there”

So How do we become secure in our relationship with God?

1. Let’s first ask the creator to heal the wounds and broken places that contribute to the disconnect.
2. Stand on the observation deck of your relationship with God and be honest about what you see. Is there any resistance, fear, disconnect, or feelings of rejection?
3. Adjust how you see God and how you behave with God. This requires digging into the scriptures and going beyond Sunday services and traditions to investigate your spiritual DNA.
4. Open your mouth and say something! Communicating what you feel is a vital piece to developing a secure attachment style. God desires to hear your experiences, your perspective, and your concerns. He wants to respond to our needs! We have not because we asked not (James 4:2-3) We don’t have a greater understanding because we haven’t asked for one. We don’t know who we are because we have asked. We won’t have a strategy for healing without communicating our pain and asking for help!

Developing a secure relationship with God requires action! Move beyond the place of fear and chose to walk towards God in faith! Know that he has made you whole!