Often times our greatest battle is within. Choosing a path and sticking to it until we see the next step or the finish line, can be overwhelming. I haven’t always been enthusiastic about having a podcast because of the internal critic that many of us find ourselves wrestling with. I have decided that the critic will be present for most of the big decision that I make and I accept that her voice can be extremely loud. I have also decided that I will not spend all of my time arguing with her. I will, however, keep going.
I have made a commitment to obey. When I get distracted I will return to what God has asked of me. This podcast was a whisper from God in early 2019 that emerged in 2020. I have not stopped even though I have struggled to get clear on direction, content, purpose and value of what I produce. I believe this is the struggle for those of us who choose to co-create with the father. We spend hours wondering “Is the right?” “Is this good?” “Do people care?” “Does it bring value?” I don’t have the answers to those questions but I do have the solution God has given me…Keep Going. Be obedient.
So with that I have not stopped and the first three episodes of 2023 are available now on all platforms. I started this year with 3 conversations that are very important to me:
Wellness in the Black Community
Mental Health and Manhood-A Personal story
Navigating Youth and Adolescent Mental Health
You can listen by clicking the Apple icon above or watch on YouTube. For those of you wondering if your perspective matters or if you’re doing the right thing; just remember if God gave you the vision…Keep Going.
In the last three episodes of the podcast I have discussed relationship attachment styles and healthier relationship skills. I think it is important to draw our attention to the example Jesus shared with those living in his time. Jesus made time for the disciples, time for the lost, and time for the father. He communicated his perspective confidently and did not displayed anxiety about the relationships he formed while walking the earth. Jesus embodied love and valuing all of humanity. He leaves us with a view of emotionally healthy discipleship.
A healthy spirit and soul require a healthy mind. Mental health is a critical part of all human beings.
In the US, Anxiety has become the most common mental health diagnosis, following the pandemic. Exploring the influences and impact of having clinical anxiety from a therapeutic lens and from a faith lens led me to think about how we are in relationship with Christ. I specifically thought of an anxious attachment that presents in children and causes them to express distress when their caregiver leaves. The distress leads to having difficulty self soothing when their caregiver returns. They behave with uncertainty about relying upon the caregiver, and show some resentment to being abandoned. Each attachment style is an expression of a lack of security within a relationship and so how could we express insecure attachment in every other relationship yet have a secure attachment in our relationship with Christ?
I don’t believe we can.
Each attachment style is acting out an unanswered question/concern:
Anxious- “Are you really there for me?”
Avoidant – “I can’t find you because I can’t find me”
Disorganized – “I hate you, don’t leave me”
An anxious attachment with Christ may look like constantly questioning if God still loves you. Is God angry with me? Have I disappointed God and now I must figure everything out for myself? I can see an anxious attachment to Jesus leading to a perfectionist mindset when attempting to connect with the father. Experiencing frustration with not praying well, decreasing communication after falling into sin or filtering conversations with God for fear of complaining too much. This expresses an underlying issue, that we fear not being good enough to receive Gods love. This is a twisted view, in reality, none of us are worthy yet he still chose us!
A question to consider is, why does the enemy use anxiety to distract us from the love of God?
An avoidant attachment may look like a constant search for meaning, purpose, and the voice of God. While these longings are important, the avoidant person decreases pursuit and focuses on something that provides a more immediate solution. This is when self soothing strategies, unhealthy coping, and addictions find space to fester. The Avoidant attachment struggles with looking within and accepting all parts of self. A failure to see ourselves clearly cripples our ability to see others clearly: this includes seeing God clearly.
A Disorganized attachment battles with accepting the love of Christ. There is a critical or judgmental lens that leads to self deprecating thoughts and behavior. This lens does not erase the presence and necessity of God but muddy’s the view with unresolved pain, anger, rejection. A disorganized view will lead us to reject the love of Christ and ask questions like, “If there is a God, why would he allow_____” “Where was God while I was being abused” or “How could God love me after I’ve done so many things wrong,” and even “I prayed that God would save my loved one, but they died.” “God does not hear me” This mindset keeps us angry, resistant to an alternative perspective and resistant to truth.
With out a secure attachment, our relationship with Jesus is skewed. A Secure attachment says:
“I’m right here and you’re right there”
So How do we become secure in our relationship with God?
Let’s first ask the creator to heal the wounds and broken places that contribute to the disconnect.
Stand on the observation deck of your relationship with God and be honest about what you see. Is there any resistance, fear, disconnect, or feelings of rejection?
Adjust how you see God and how you behave with God. This requires digging into the scriptures and going beyond Sunday services and traditions to investigate your spiritual DNA.
Open your mouth and say something! Communicating what you feel is a vital piece to developing a secure attachment style. God desires to hear your experiences, your perspective, and your concerns. He wants to respond to our needs! We have not because we asked not (James 4:2-3) We don’t have a greater understanding because we haven’t asked for one. We don’t know who we are because we have asked. We won’t have a strategy for healing without communicating our pain and asking for help!
Developing a secure relationship with God requires action! Move beyond the place of fear and chose to walk towards God in faith! Know that he has made you whole!
Research shows the over estimating as well as underestimating value when building can be problematic. When asked which one is worse many developers would say underestimating the value. The danger of estimating something to be smaller or less important than it actually is that it can be costly.
In project development the cost will differ depending on the item being assessed, for example materials, time, and labor costs will vary. The same is true when you consider placing value on a person. Society expresses value based on what is produced and what an individual brings to the table. I agree that adequately assessing the benefit and cost of every endeavor or relationship is necessary. Where I’ve grown concerned, is with the demise of many people who have underestimated their own value in ways that compromise their own core values and authenticity.
In sessions I have the opportunity to assist clients with examining their behavior and the thoughts that influence those behaviors. Many times I help to expose narratives that have never been spoken but are carried out within my clients day to day lives. Narratives like:
“I’m not enough”
“The opinions of others mean everything too me”
“I’f I say no, I will make them mad”
“If I change they will leave me”
“If I’m successful I will be loved”
“If I avoid conflict then I won’t get rejected”
“Getting close to others is too risky”
These statements are powerful dictators within the individuals who carry them. Notice that they all express a value based on external factors or comparisons made by the individual. I’ve learned that the enemy launches an assault on our identify and our value during childhood in hopes that we will forfeit our destiny. These narratives, or what is clinically known as Cognitive Distortions, hinder our growth and our relationships. They cause us to live a life that does not align with Gods original plan for his people. Underestimating your value will lead you to except less than what God has for you. It will cause you to turn a blind eye to red flags and decline blessings sent just for you.
As you are learning more and healing from all that life has thrown at you, remember that your value was established at the cross! A price was paid that you nor I could ever repay. The price of our ransom was MIGHTY! Because you are worth more than rubies, you’re Gods greatest creation, royalty, and most of all chosen for such a time as this!
I abandoned a plant in my office that seemed to struggle no matter what I did to care for it. Every day I look at it and touch the crumpled leaves feeling disappointed. At times I would think about what it needed and even vowed to repot it with fresh soil. It still sits…wilting. This has frustrated me more than I care to admit because I truly like plants and gardens. I planted my first garden in the center of my parents back yard when I was barely a teenager. I planted corn, carrots, and peas not knowing how to grow anything. Some seeds were successful and some where not but my enjoyment for gardening and plant life was born. This joy was carried into my spiritual development, as I often enjoyed the imagery layered throughout the Bible of seeds and gardens and harvests. But now I am glaring at this wilted plant feeling annoyed so I did what felt right. I literally placed it in a corner and turned by attention to something more productive.
Yesterday, while staring at this wilting plant, God dropped something very convicting in my spirit. THIS IS A PATTERN. A cycle within my life as well as some of the clients I’ve counseled. This cycle is prevalent within relationships. When someone is not responding to the investment we’ve made, or when we feel inadequate, they are quickly moved to the back burner. Often we can see what the relationship needs in order to heal and even to thrive but we’ve grown frustrated and put our energy elsewhere.
I’ve felt led to begin exploring relationships on the podcast and begin dealing with these cycles.
Look for more on relationships in the August Episodes of Faith Love and Therapy. Get your journals ready!
Faith Love and Therapy Podcast 